I want to start this off by telling you that I will be sharing my personal story. It was hard to write, but if there is someone struggling out there with weight or body image, maybe you yourself are or know someone that is and they read it, I hope it gives you hope. Hopefully it helps them feel connected, like they are not the only ones going through it. I am here to tell you, you are not alone.
My struggles with weight and body image are long and deep rooted. They go far back into my childhood-and maybe that is why they have have stuck around and lurked for so long. I grew up being a little bit of a chubby kid (looking back on it now, and looking at pictures I was a pretty normal weight kid, almost fit by today's new wave over childhood obesity, but that's nor here nor there). Despite being a fairly nice and sweet kid, it felt like I was always the target of mean comments about my weight. Sadly, these were not from strangers, they were from what should have been loving and positive image supportive family members. My half brother, big mouthed and rude neighbor, and extended family were my biggest critics. The fact that neither one of my parents told them to stop the teasing did not help the situation.
So at the age 8 years old I began to exercise. I vividly remember my first exercise session. I took our family dog Cisco (who in doggy heaven may he rest ) for a run around my neighborhood. It's interesting how some things become etched in our minds, because I remember that day so vividly. My parents were eating dinner whem I announced that I was going for a run. My parents only let me run up and down my street, but that was okay I could still run up and down it.
From there on I became exercise and diet obsessed. By the 8th grade I remember "dieting", skipping lunch at school, attempting to only eat a few kernels of corn on the cob for dinner and figuring out ways to "pretend" to have eaten the pancakes my mom would make fresh every morning for breakfast before school. I played soccer and was on the swim team so this kept my weight low and I was a slim 115 pounds. The comments about my weight had stopped, but I was always fearful of them coming or them being said behind my back. Despite looking fit, I never looked fit enough to my personal standards, I never felt fit enough to not be criticized and scrutinized by family
In high school I struggled with my weight again. The "popular" and pretty girls were 105 pounds, something rediculous like that, and here I was a plump size 5. So at the age of 16 I began to take diet pills. I would take them for a period of time, but they would give me so much anxiety that I would stop taking them. I felt miserable.
I read US Weekly, and other magazines like the bible, scouring them for new diets and tricks to stay slim. One summer I followed US Weekly's Jessica Simpson plan to get into her Daisy Dukes. A completely low carb diet, with lots of squats, abs, and cardio. In two months I looked great! By the time my senior year came around I looked great. But I can tell you that low carb diets are tricky, once you start eating carbs again, the weight piles back on, and you find yourself back at square one, if not in a worse place than you started. While on the low carb diet, I struggled with constipation, low energy, fatigue, but I figured it was worth it for the body aesthetics.
I probably tried more weight loss pills through out high school than participated in any event. I honestly probably spent more time researching weight loss products and techniques more than studied- my grades began to reflect it.
Anyway, I graduated high school and began college in the fall. I went to a local CSU. I was happy there, and even got to run Cross Country. The way I prepared that summer for the team? Low carb dieting, and a heavy amount of miles logged running. I couldn't be the fat girl on the team. My past weight scrutinizers had now been replaced by my peers-at least in my mind. It worked-more or less, but while participating my my plan, I developed shin splints- which turned into stress fractures, and unsustainable running schedule- I was running close to 55-60 miles a week! I was miserable.
During this time, I endured a particularly hard family hardship, which didn't make things any easier, but I am not complaining. Things happen, and we adapt.
I kept taking weight loss pills, but now I had graduated to making my own. I was staking Ephedra. Making my own ECA stack that I had heard was a miracle worker- however now banned, due to death, stroke, heart attacks-no big deal things like that (sarcasm).
This is where things got bad. The high caffeine, and ephedra began to give me so much anxiety. I was fearful to go outside- I felt I would be taunted for my weight. I began to develop a body dysmophic disorder. I thought I was the fattest person on earth-simply grotesque. Although I was thin, I thought I looked like the most horrendous person ever. It was a bad time in my mind. I would cry alone. I felt like I had no one to talk to, no one who could even begin to understand.
So finally I checked into counseling. I have to confess, I scheduled and cancelled a lot of appointments until I finally went in. But I am happy I did. I met with a wonderful counselor who through many sessions allowed me grow and feel safe. She gave me a lot of information, advice, and served as the listening ear I needed. Things got better.
I went a while doing well. But I still had my weight phobia. Things became worse when I knew we would be getting company from "fat hating" family that summer. I embarked on my get slim for summer family visitors plan: Running high mileage~ 50 miles a week and virtually not eating anything. Sure enough it worked, and I looked great for the visit, but 2 weeks later I landed myself into the hospital. This was no regular hospital trip, I passed out unresponsive, the ambulance came and picked me up, intubated me because I couldn't breathe on my own, I was medi-flighted to a major hospital 2 hours away from my home town, where I was in the ICU for 4 days. It kills me to think of what it must have been like for my family. They were devastated. Doctors honestly told them they were unsure if I would make it, and if I did, I would likely be left with a severe impediment. My brother now recalls the situation and tells me " I didn't care if you came out needing us to bathe, feed, do everything for you- in my mind I had already made up my mind that I would do anything".. .he was only 17 years old at the time. There in the hospital my mom and brother would feed me; I was a wreck. I was so tired, my mind of was so foggy, my memory was terrible. I wasn't sure if this would be my life forever.
I give my family and God all the credit in the world that I was able to fully recover, and here I am still going through life.
I returned to counseling, where I was able to combat some of my weight demons that I had developed, but like any emotional scar, you have to keep working at it.
I want to tell you THAT THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO LOSE WEIGHT THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND YOUR HEALTH. Think of your family and your friends that love you. Love yourself for who you are, not what others think of you. I have learned that over the years. The emotional scars I built as a child sometimes resurface, but I have to remind myself that my worth does not lie in a number on the scale or the size of my jeans, but in the size of my heart and the extensions my positive actions have on others.
If you are struggling with your weight, and feel like you have to take things to an extreme, please stop. Please seek counseling. Nothing is that important that you should put yourself in harms way. Love yourself enough, and remember that. If you don't have anyone else to talk to, talk to me. If anyone understands, it's me.
You are beautiful just the way you are.
Your worth is measured by the size of your heart, not the size of your waist.
People that are worth it will see that <3
I hope that by sharing my struggle, I can positively impact someone else out there. Even if it is just one person-I will feel happy. I want to let you know that there is hope- you can get better. It is so easy to turn a simple diet into an obsession or full blown disorder- I know this all too well.
Sending you all the love in the world. Be safe, healthy, fit and pretty.
-Carmen
